It's been a long, long time

Wow! Lot's of time has slipped by between me and this blog! It's been a crazy time but I hope to be back more often. Trying to find me in this whole thing is very difficult. I'm looking forward to the person on the inside finally coming out for good. I'm not who I am on the outside and no matter what change I make to myself physically, it's still not enough. I continue my weight loss journey. And so we sit here at 218 still. A weird stagnant weight that my body seems to want to hang onto. I've joined our weight loss competition again for this year. Not fairing well for me, but I'm getting more exercise and I'm eating healthier. No matter. I'm down to 213. I want to do more. Getting all the problems of why and when I eat out in the open is hopefully the answer. Emotional eating takes away all my healthy initiatives. I eat when I'm happy, sad, depressed, angry, bored, and with people and any other feeling or situation that might come up. Getting my anger under control is the biggest part for me. I need to calm down. I need to control my feelings and let others own theirs. When I can be comfortable with that, I'll feel better about owning my feelings. I need to find the reasons why I feel anger. I've been told "when you bury your feelings, they'll all come back in another form". Luckily I'm digging those back up to deal with them all now. Buried memories of emotional and physical pain are starting to rear their ugly heads. I'm certainly not comfortable with that but I have to do it to make my life whole and balanced. While things crumble I'll find the answers eventually. I feel a positive change in me. I'm not as angry anymore and I feel more calm. That's a long road and I'm nowhere near the end...or the middle, but at least I've started instead of just sitting at the gate waiting.

I feel I'm on the verge of finding me and who I really am. I'm not corporate but I'm not full goth or punk. I'm an inbetweener. I can't figure out how to not be completely corporate or completely punk. Where is the happy medium? What does she look like? I know she wears skinny jeans and tall boots, has funky hair. She loves military inspired clothing. Now, she's also girly jewelry and pinstripe pants with ruffly blouses. I'm having a fashion crisis of how those mix comfortably for me to feel like I'm wearing the clothes and they're not wearing me.

But I feel like that all has to start with getting the past dug up, ditched out and get my feelings in a better place. Then the feelings of happiness will help me naturally want to do better for myself and help mold the real me. The clothes are just a facad. That part will come naturally as well.

The big question is why is it that I feel I need to have or do things that I really just don't need to have or do. A Ducati Monster would make me such a happy person but do I need that? Of course not. A little black Mini wouldn't be the answer either. A mohawk isn't the answer. Clothes aren't. But the answer is in there, it's just having to find it or maybe accept it. Once I accept it, then I'll have the truth.

I'm tired of lying to myself! I need to tell me the truth all the time, no matter what the consequences.

Later...

Well?

Ugh! It's been a while. Time sure flies when you're super busy every day. The weight loss has been steadily slow, which is actually quite nice. Nothing too drastic. Gives me time to get use to things. Fast change seems to throw me off. I lost a total of 15lbs in the competition for the full 12 weeks. Not bad. Not as good as I wanted but that's fine by me. I feel much better. I'm on a mission to lose more, though. Discussion of another addition to the family has begun. It wouldn't be till late this year or next that we'd want to be pregnant anyway. But significant weightloss takes time. So better to start now. I'm down to 218 at the moment. That's so much better than 248! That 30lbs gone is such a load off...literally! I really felt great at 180. I look forward to getting back to that weight again.

It may be a while before I get back here again. Life is quite hectic with a 2.5 year old and a busy job. Later!

Down 7lbs!

Alright! Down 7lbs in the first week. And I haven't even gotten to start exercising yet! I can't wait to start working out. I'm pumped and hope to keep it this way. I'm tired of being tired and I'm tired of eating foods that make me feel sick and weighted down. I like that I can eat as much veggies and fruit as I want with low caloric intake and get full. I'm not really craving too much right now. It's been a little tough at times when I've seen something. I just quickly try to look away to distract my mind. If I think about it more than a few seconds, I may not be able to stop thinking about until I finally have a piece. That's pretty annoying about my brain. I'm noticing that my brain likes to sabotage my goals at all costs. I hope to beat it this time and retrain my brain to listen to me. I'm thinking of joining the Biggest Loser competition at work with a co-worker of mine. It's $25 to join and the winner gets $2000! Even if I didn't win, it would be awesome to try. I'd be winning in a different way. So keep up the good work Aliceson. You're worth it. And you're gonna be smokin' on that fall cruise!

Trying Healthy On

I've been in this healthy kick lately. I've been eating healthier and drinking lots more water. I've been feeling better. Bad food always made me feel heavy and weighted down. I haven't started working out yet but I'm dying to get started. I'm trying to get my work schedule down so that I'll know where I can insert the exercise. I've noticed that the stairs I have to climb twice a day or more has gotten easier to go up. I find myself running up them sometimes. Plus the parking lot is much larger than my old one, to say the least. I use to park right at the door. Now I have to walk for 5 minutes or so just to get to the door. At least I love my new job. It doesn't seem bad that I have to walk that. I'm sure on a rainy day, that'll be a different story. I'm trying hard to not drink as much coffee. I think that will be harder though. I loves me some coffee! I hope that I can keep up good work. I try not to deprive myself of something if I want it. I just try to cut down on the serving or cut down on something else later that day. So being more aware of what I'm eating seems to be paying off so far.

The first of the new year

So what a long strange but rewarding life I've had. I look forward to much more and am ready to make some changes in my life. I'm tired of being overweight. I'm ready to make a change. I've always been ready but never fully ready. I hope to keep up the motivation that I have right now. I'm looking forward to a cruise this fall with friends and we're looking to start another addition to the family this fall as well. I'd like to be more physically ready for both of those.

I want to make this pregnancy go much smoother. I know I had no control over the pre eclampsia that I had with Greyson but I can't help but feel guilty that had I followed my doctor's suggestion and lost some weight that maybe things might have been different. But then I think about the lady I met in the NICU that sat across from me who was thin and active and still had the same exact thing I had. I'm crossing my fingers that I won't experience that again and I pray that this next baby will have a smooth transition into this world.

I can't wait till the cruise, but the last thing I want to do is cover up my bathing suit because I'm fat and don't want to be seen. With our friends there, it will make me very aware that my fat is exposed. So I'm hoping to lose some of that if not most of it by this fall so that I'll be more comfortable.

So welcome to the beginning of my weight loss journey. It WILL be a bumpy and long, winding road. I'll have missteps and lots of excuses, but I hope that this journal will help me with why I eat what I do and when I do. I hope to deal with issues I may be hiding because I don't want to deal with them. I'm just being upfront about my shenanigans, so if you'd like to jump ship now, feel free, if not, then welcome aboard matey!