I felt like this post from my other blog was just as relevant here.

Lots of changes happening. All sad and good at the same time if that's possible. My boss and his wife are close friends of mine. He surprised me one day during a touchbase with the punch in the gut of him and the family leaving and moving to Ohio. I was so instantly depressed. It felt like I was in mourning. I wasn't just sad. I was mourning. So I spent weeks crying in my car before work. Everyday things were becoming impossible, because I just didn't care anymore. Time came and went and they moved. It was really sad. Over time I've come to a closure with it. We still talk. Not as much as before but I still plan on visiting them. I miss them both a lot.

Clare and I stuck together after they moved. Then Clare was offered a job in Ohio as well. So a few months later, she moved as well. Now 3 of my closest friends have all moved. Now it's just weird and quiet and just sort of boring. I find myself hating my job. I desperately hate the politics. All the crap that goes on, for the benefit of others' egos, is disheartening.

In the midst of all this "friend moving", Mike and I decided to divorce. I mean, could life get any harder and more depressing? It all eventually just hit me in the face one day and I just didn't want to move my body. I laid in bed, motionless, crying, non-stop. I started feeling like I just didn't care what happened next and if I didn't wake the next day, I wouldn't have to feel anymore. I sort of feel depressed writing all of this. It takes me back to how I felt back then. Thank God for therapy!!! If I hadn't been in therapy for a year now, I'm not sure where I'd be today.

I had a movie night with the girls and we saw Eat Pray Love. I wasn't particularly excited about seeing it since I wasn't that familiar with it. But it was fun girlfriend time that I desperately needed. I went feeling sort of sad and lost. I left feeling excited and full of hope. That movie changed me. I'm now a different person thanks to Elizabeth Gilbert. I felt weird in the theater watching the movie. There were so many things she was going through and doing that I was also experiencing. I felt as if people were looking at me or thinking about me when something familiar would be on screen. It was as if my life was flashing before everybody's eyes. I felt really vulnerable. But her changes and the life lessons she learned proved to me that life is better than this. I now am excited for my future and can't wait to move forward. I'm enjoying being single. I can't say I've EVER felt like that. I've always been so codependent and afraid to be alone. But I honestly, for once in my life, feel like this is such a great time and am so happy to be focusing on me for a change. I'm so in love with this story that I bought the audio book, listened to it, then had to buy the book. Now I'm going through it and highlighting the parts that really inspire me and keep me thinking positive. I'm geeking out over this book!

I realized one day, while helping Mike pack, that I didn't recognize my surroundings. I'd never actually SEEN that before. Ever. I never noticed how much of myself I'd given up until it was time to split up our stuff. I was trying to get rid of a lot of stuff because I was realizing that I didn't like it. I didn't want it. But neither did he. So I now still have that stuff. And that's just what it is. Stuff. How amazing that a person can go through life just in the motions but really never living. It makes me sad to think I've never really lived a life of who I really am. And it makes me sad to know that I've never really known WHO I am. How sad is that? To be honest, I still don't have a clue of who I am. But that's one of my goals for myself. It's imperative that I get to know me...be my own best friend.

So now we're best friends and I think our relationship is actually stronger than it's ever been. We are better communicators now and that's a huge change for us. For me especially. I've never been a communicator. And how ironic that my job is to communicate?! I'm enjoying just focusing on myself and my son. I love that I'm actually feeling happier these days and am really looking forward to what the future holds. I can't wait.

Well, friend, it's been too long. I'd love to be able to visit you more often but life sure gets in the way quite a bit.

This year is going to be a long journey for me. I've decided to take my brain on, head to head. I have a therapist. And I love her! It's amazing some of the self-thought revelations I have every week. I'm noticing that I deal with situations slightly different than I use to. I am CERTAINLY no closer to the light at the end of the tunnel. But I think of Bob in "What About Bob"...baby steps. The mind is so habitual. Bad habits quickly become the norm. I'm learning to try a different habit when my brain wants to defer to the norm. A boring and debilitating norm. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be mad. Basically? It's okay to just FEEL. I'm so use to pushing all my feelings away and covering them with laughter and façades that I was losing who I really was. Defense mechanisms can really be the best and worst things for you. I hide the pain of every day life with jokes so I don't have to be forced to deal with the pain in that moment. Well, in my journey, I've discovered that when you do that your whole life, it all comes back up as something else...at some point in time. For me, it's anger and depression.

I'm trying to learn how to deal with those emotions. I'm learning how to communicate in general. I grew up not knowing how to do that for myself. I never communicated any feelings to anybody about any thing in my life. Not even in high school. I started having to deal with things more in college. I formed life-long friendships there and we all went through things together for the most part. I quickly learned how to constantly keep up a front. Pretend I'm happy. Pretend that nothing bothers me. That's also the time I spent the most, in the dark. I was so depressed at times that I really just didn't want to go on. I was actually ready to just die and not have to deal with things. My emotions were at such a heighten state that I also started having flashbacks of my childhood.

My brain was obviously trying to protect me from the past. I didn't know if they were dreams I'd had. I didn't know if they were moments I was just making up. But it was exactly the same thing, every time. I knew it was real. Real devastating, for me. I too, like others in the world, have experienced abuse. I now know why I do what I do to my body, with food. I am protecting myself from being seen as attractive so I won't be hurt by anybody. With therapy, I'll sort things out. Life is hard and not knowing how to deal with life and it's curve balls, only makes it harder.

But I feel good about life now. I'm making progress to a better me on the inside. That's more important than a better me on the outside, right now.

I think the journey just became more interesting for all parties.

Later, my friend.

It's been a long, long time

Wow! Lot's of time has slipped by between me and this blog! It's been a crazy time but I hope to be back more often. Trying to find me in this whole thing is very difficult. I'm looking forward to the person on the inside finally coming out for good. I'm not who I am on the outside and no matter what change I make to myself physically, it's still not enough. I continue my weight loss journey. And so we sit here at 218 still. A weird stagnant weight that my body seems to want to hang onto. I've joined our weight loss competition again for this year. Not fairing well for me, but I'm getting more exercise and I'm eating healthier. No matter. I'm down to 213. I want to do more. Getting all the problems of why and when I eat out in the open is hopefully the answer. Emotional eating takes away all my healthy initiatives. I eat when I'm happy, sad, depressed, angry, bored, and with people and any other feeling or situation that might come up. Getting my anger under control is the biggest part for me. I need to calm down. I need to control my feelings and let others own theirs. When I can be comfortable with that, I'll feel better about owning my feelings. I need to find the reasons why I feel anger. I've been told "when you bury your feelings, they'll all come back in another form". Luckily I'm digging those back up to deal with them all now. Buried memories of emotional and physical pain are starting to rear their ugly heads. I'm certainly not comfortable with that but I have to do it to make my life whole and balanced. While things crumble I'll find the answers eventually. I feel a positive change in me. I'm not as angry anymore and I feel more calm. That's a long road and I'm nowhere near the end...or the middle, but at least I've started instead of just sitting at the gate waiting.

I feel I'm on the verge of finding me and who I really am. I'm not corporate but I'm not full goth or punk. I'm an inbetweener. I can't figure out how to not be completely corporate or completely punk. Where is the happy medium? What does she look like? I know she wears skinny jeans and tall boots, has funky hair. She loves military inspired clothing. Now, she's also girly jewelry and pinstripe pants with ruffly blouses. I'm having a fashion crisis of how those mix comfortably for me to feel like I'm wearing the clothes and they're not wearing me.

But I feel like that all has to start with getting the past dug up, ditched out and get my feelings in a better place. Then the feelings of happiness will help me naturally want to do better for myself and help mold the real me. The clothes are just a facad. That part will come naturally as well.

The big question is why is it that I feel I need to have or do things that I really just don't need to have or do. A Ducati Monster would make me such a happy person but do I need that? Of course not. A little black Mini wouldn't be the answer either. A mohawk isn't the answer. Clothes aren't. But the answer is in there, it's just having to find it or maybe accept it. Once I accept it, then I'll have the truth.

I'm tired of lying to myself! I need to tell me the truth all the time, no matter what the consequences.

Later...

Well?

Ugh! It's been a while. Time sure flies when you're super busy every day. The weight loss has been steadily slow, which is actually quite nice. Nothing too drastic. Gives me time to get use to things. Fast change seems to throw me off. I lost a total of 15lbs in the competition for the full 12 weeks. Not bad. Not as good as I wanted but that's fine by me. I feel much better. I'm on a mission to lose more, though. Discussion of another addition to the family has begun. It wouldn't be till late this year or next that we'd want to be pregnant anyway. But significant weightloss takes time. So better to start now. I'm down to 218 at the moment. That's so much better than 248! That 30lbs gone is such a load off...literally! I really felt great at 180. I look forward to getting back to that weight again.

It may be a while before I get back here again. Life is quite hectic with a 2.5 year old and a busy job. Later!

Down 7lbs!

Alright! Down 7lbs in the first week. And I haven't even gotten to start exercising yet! I can't wait to start working out. I'm pumped and hope to keep it this way. I'm tired of being tired and I'm tired of eating foods that make me feel sick and weighted down. I like that I can eat as much veggies and fruit as I want with low caloric intake and get full. I'm not really craving too much right now. It's been a little tough at times when I've seen something. I just quickly try to look away to distract my mind. If I think about it more than a few seconds, I may not be able to stop thinking about until I finally have a piece. That's pretty annoying about my brain. I'm noticing that my brain likes to sabotage my goals at all costs. I hope to beat it this time and retrain my brain to listen to me. I'm thinking of joining the Biggest Loser competition at work with a co-worker of mine. It's $25 to join and the winner gets $2000! Even if I didn't win, it would be awesome to try. I'd be winning in a different way. So keep up the good work Aliceson. You're worth it. And you're gonna be smokin' on that fall cruise!

Trying Healthy On

I've been in this healthy kick lately. I've been eating healthier and drinking lots more water. I've been feeling better. Bad food always made me feel heavy and weighted down. I haven't started working out yet but I'm dying to get started. I'm trying to get my work schedule down so that I'll know where I can insert the exercise. I've noticed that the stairs I have to climb twice a day or more has gotten easier to go up. I find myself running up them sometimes. Plus the parking lot is much larger than my old one, to say the least. I use to park right at the door. Now I have to walk for 5 minutes or so just to get to the door. At least I love my new job. It doesn't seem bad that I have to walk that. I'm sure on a rainy day, that'll be a different story. I'm trying hard to not drink as much coffee. I think that will be harder though. I loves me some coffee! I hope that I can keep up good work. I try not to deprive myself of something if I want it. I just try to cut down on the serving or cut down on something else later that day. So being more aware of what I'm eating seems to be paying off so far.

The first of the new year

So what a long strange but rewarding life I've had. I look forward to much more and am ready to make some changes in my life. I'm tired of being overweight. I'm ready to make a change. I've always been ready but never fully ready. I hope to keep up the motivation that I have right now. I'm looking forward to a cruise this fall with friends and we're looking to start another addition to the family this fall as well. I'd like to be more physically ready for both of those.

I want to make this pregnancy go much smoother. I know I had no control over the pre eclampsia that I had with Greyson but I can't help but feel guilty that had I followed my doctor's suggestion and lost some weight that maybe things might have been different. But then I think about the lady I met in the NICU that sat across from me who was thin and active and still had the same exact thing I had. I'm crossing my fingers that I won't experience that again and I pray that this next baby will have a smooth transition into this world.

I can't wait till the cruise, but the last thing I want to do is cover up my bathing suit because I'm fat and don't want to be seen. With our friends there, it will make me very aware that my fat is exposed. So I'm hoping to lose some of that if not most of it by this fall so that I'll be more comfortable.

So welcome to the beginning of my weight loss journey. It WILL be a bumpy and long, winding road. I'll have missteps and lots of excuses, but I hope that this journal will help me with why I eat what I do and when I do. I hope to deal with issues I may be hiding because I don't want to deal with them. I'm just being upfront about my shenanigans, so if you'd like to jump ship now, feel free, if not, then welcome aboard matey!