Wow! Lot's of time has slipped by between me and this blog! It's been a crazy time but I hope to be back more often. Trying to find me in this whole thing is very difficult. I'm looking forward to the person on the inside finally coming out for good. I'm not who I am on the outside and no matter what change I make to myself physically, it's still not enough. I continue my weight loss journey. And so we sit here at 218 still. A weird stagnant weight that my body seems to want to hang onto. I've joined our weight loss competition again for this year. Not fairing well for me, but I'm getting more exercise and I'm eating healthier. No matter. I'm down to 213. I want to do more. Getting all the problems of why and when I eat out in the open is hopefully the answer. Emotional eating takes away all my healthy initiatives. I eat when I'm happy, sad, depressed, angry, bored, and with people and any other feeling or situation that might come up. Getting my anger under control is the biggest part for me. I need to calm down. I need to control my feelings and let others own theirs. When I can be comfortable with that, I'll feel better about owning my feelings. I need to find the reasons why I feel anger. I've been told "when you bury your feelings, they'll all come back in another form". Luckily I'm digging those back up to deal with them all now. Buried memories of emotional and physical pain are starting to rear their ugly heads. I'm certainly not comfortable with that but I have to do it to make my life whole and balanced. While things crumble I'll find the answers eventually. I feel a positive change in me. I'm not as angry anymore and I feel more calm. That's a long road and I'm nowhere near the end...or the middle, but at least I've started instead of just sitting at the gate waiting.
I feel I'm on the verge of finding me and who I really am. I'm not corporate but I'm not full goth or punk. I'm an inbetweener. I can't figure out how to not be completely corporate or completely punk. Where is the happy medium? What does she look like? I know she wears skinny jeans and tall boots, has funky hair. She loves military inspired clothing. Now, she's also girly jewelry and pinstripe pants with ruffly blouses. I'm having a fashion crisis of how those mix comfortably for me to feel like I'm wearing the clothes and they're not wearing me.
But I feel like that all has to start with getting the past dug up, ditched out and get my feelings in a better place. Then the feelings of happiness will help me naturally want to do better for myself and help mold the real me. The clothes are just a facad. That part will come naturally as well.
The big question is why is it that I feel I need to have or do things that I really just don't need to have or do. A Ducati Monster would make me such a happy person but do I need that? Of course not. A little black Mini wouldn't be the answer either. A mohawk isn't the answer. Clothes aren't. But the answer is in there, it's just having to find it or maybe accept it. Once I accept it, then I'll have the truth.
I'm tired of lying to myself! I need to tell me the truth all the time, no matter what the consequences.
Later...
