I felt like this post from my other blog was just as relevant here.

Lots of changes happening. All sad and good at the same time if that's possible. My boss and his wife are close friends of mine. He surprised me one day during a touchbase with the punch in the gut of him and the family leaving and moving to Ohio. I was so instantly depressed. It felt like I was in mourning. I wasn't just sad. I was mourning. So I spent weeks crying in my car before work. Everyday things were becoming impossible, because I just didn't care anymore. Time came and went and they moved. It was really sad. Over time I've come to a closure with it. We still talk. Not as much as before but I still plan on visiting them. I miss them both a lot.

Clare and I stuck together after they moved. Then Clare was offered a job in Ohio as well. So a few months later, she moved as well. Now 3 of my closest friends have all moved. Now it's just weird and quiet and just sort of boring. I find myself hating my job. I desperately hate the politics. All the crap that goes on, for the benefit of others' egos, is disheartening.

In the midst of all this "friend moving", Mike and I decided to divorce. I mean, could life get any harder and more depressing? It all eventually just hit me in the face one day and I just didn't want to move my body. I laid in bed, motionless, crying, non-stop. I started feeling like I just didn't care what happened next and if I didn't wake the next day, I wouldn't have to feel anymore. I sort of feel depressed writing all of this. It takes me back to how I felt back then. Thank God for therapy!!! If I hadn't been in therapy for a year now, I'm not sure where I'd be today.

I had a movie night with the girls and we saw Eat Pray Love. I wasn't particularly excited about seeing it since I wasn't that familiar with it. But it was fun girlfriend time that I desperately needed. I went feeling sort of sad and lost. I left feeling excited and full of hope. That movie changed me. I'm now a different person thanks to Elizabeth Gilbert. I felt weird in the theater watching the movie. There were so many things she was going through and doing that I was also experiencing. I felt as if people were looking at me or thinking about me when something familiar would be on screen. It was as if my life was flashing before everybody's eyes. I felt really vulnerable. But her changes and the life lessons she learned proved to me that life is better than this. I now am excited for my future and can't wait to move forward. I'm enjoying being single. I can't say I've EVER felt like that. I've always been so codependent and afraid to be alone. But I honestly, for once in my life, feel like this is such a great time and am so happy to be focusing on me for a change. I'm so in love with this story that I bought the audio book, listened to it, then had to buy the book. Now I'm going through it and highlighting the parts that really inspire me and keep me thinking positive. I'm geeking out over this book!

I realized one day, while helping Mike pack, that I didn't recognize my surroundings. I'd never actually SEEN that before. Ever. I never noticed how much of myself I'd given up until it was time to split up our stuff. I was trying to get rid of a lot of stuff because I was realizing that I didn't like it. I didn't want it. But neither did he. So I now still have that stuff. And that's just what it is. Stuff. How amazing that a person can go through life just in the motions but really never living. It makes me sad to think I've never really lived a life of who I really am. And it makes me sad to know that I've never really known WHO I am. How sad is that? To be honest, I still don't have a clue of who I am. But that's one of my goals for myself. It's imperative that I get to know me...be my own best friend.

So now we're best friends and I think our relationship is actually stronger than it's ever been. We are better communicators now and that's a huge change for us. For me especially. I've never been a communicator. And how ironic that my job is to communicate?! I'm enjoying just focusing on myself and my son. I love that I'm actually feeling happier these days and am really looking forward to what the future holds. I can't wait.

Well, friend, it's been too long. I'd love to be able to visit you more often but life sure gets in the way quite a bit.

This year is going to be a long journey for me. I've decided to take my brain on, head to head. I have a therapist. And I love her! It's amazing some of the self-thought revelations I have every week. I'm noticing that I deal with situations slightly different than I use to. I am CERTAINLY no closer to the light at the end of the tunnel. But I think of Bob in "What About Bob"...baby steps. The mind is so habitual. Bad habits quickly become the norm. I'm learning to try a different habit when my brain wants to defer to the norm. A boring and debilitating norm. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be mad. Basically? It's okay to just FEEL. I'm so use to pushing all my feelings away and covering them with laughter and façades that I was losing who I really was. Defense mechanisms can really be the best and worst things for you. I hide the pain of every day life with jokes so I don't have to be forced to deal with the pain in that moment. Well, in my journey, I've discovered that when you do that your whole life, it all comes back up as something else...at some point in time. For me, it's anger and depression.

I'm trying to learn how to deal with those emotions. I'm learning how to communicate in general. I grew up not knowing how to do that for myself. I never communicated any feelings to anybody about any thing in my life. Not even in high school. I started having to deal with things more in college. I formed life-long friendships there and we all went through things together for the most part. I quickly learned how to constantly keep up a front. Pretend I'm happy. Pretend that nothing bothers me. That's also the time I spent the most, in the dark. I was so depressed at times that I really just didn't want to go on. I was actually ready to just die and not have to deal with things. My emotions were at such a heighten state that I also started having flashbacks of my childhood.

My brain was obviously trying to protect me from the past. I didn't know if they were dreams I'd had. I didn't know if they were moments I was just making up. But it was exactly the same thing, every time. I knew it was real. Real devastating, for me. I too, like others in the world, have experienced abuse. I now know why I do what I do to my body, with food. I am protecting myself from being seen as attractive so I won't be hurt by anybody. With therapy, I'll sort things out. Life is hard and not knowing how to deal with life and it's curve balls, only makes it harder.

But I feel good about life now. I'm making progress to a better me on the inside. That's more important than a better me on the outside, right now.

I think the journey just became more interesting for all parties.

Later, my friend.

It's been a long, long time

Wow! Lot's of time has slipped by between me and this blog! It's been a crazy time but I hope to be back more often. Trying to find me in this whole thing is very difficult. I'm looking forward to the person on the inside finally coming out for good. I'm not who I am on the outside and no matter what change I make to myself physically, it's still not enough. I continue my weight loss journey. And so we sit here at 218 still. A weird stagnant weight that my body seems to want to hang onto. I've joined our weight loss competition again for this year. Not fairing well for me, but I'm getting more exercise and I'm eating healthier. No matter. I'm down to 213. I want to do more. Getting all the problems of why and when I eat out in the open is hopefully the answer. Emotional eating takes away all my healthy initiatives. I eat when I'm happy, sad, depressed, angry, bored, and with people and any other feeling or situation that might come up. Getting my anger under control is the biggest part for me. I need to calm down. I need to control my feelings and let others own theirs. When I can be comfortable with that, I'll feel better about owning my feelings. I need to find the reasons why I feel anger. I've been told "when you bury your feelings, they'll all come back in another form". Luckily I'm digging those back up to deal with them all now. Buried memories of emotional and physical pain are starting to rear their ugly heads. I'm certainly not comfortable with that but I have to do it to make my life whole and balanced. While things crumble I'll find the answers eventually. I feel a positive change in me. I'm not as angry anymore and I feel more calm. That's a long road and I'm nowhere near the end...or the middle, but at least I've started instead of just sitting at the gate waiting.

I feel I'm on the verge of finding me and who I really am. I'm not corporate but I'm not full goth or punk. I'm an inbetweener. I can't figure out how to not be completely corporate or completely punk. Where is the happy medium? What does she look like? I know she wears skinny jeans and tall boots, has funky hair. She loves military inspired clothing. Now, she's also girly jewelry and pinstripe pants with ruffly blouses. I'm having a fashion crisis of how those mix comfortably for me to feel like I'm wearing the clothes and they're not wearing me.

But I feel like that all has to start with getting the past dug up, ditched out and get my feelings in a better place. Then the feelings of happiness will help me naturally want to do better for myself and help mold the real me. The clothes are just a facad. That part will come naturally as well.

The big question is why is it that I feel I need to have or do things that I really just don't need to have or do. A Ducati Monster would make me such a happy person but do I need that? Of course not. A little black Mini wouldn't be the answer either. A mohawk isn't the answer. Clothes aren't. But the answer is in there, it's just having to find it or maybe accept it. Once I accept it, then I'll have the truth.

I'm tired of lying to myself! I need to tell me the truth all the time, no matter what the consequences.

Later...